Entries in male female relationships (4)
Psychotherapist Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, LCSW, BCD gives a professional perspective on Steve Harvey's movie, Think Like a Man, which is based on the book, Think Like a Man, Act Like a Women: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment (2009).
On May 10, Dr. Buckingham will release his new book, Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single to reveal the abnormal thought patterns behind men's emotions and actions, which women should not try to emulate. While Dr. Buckingham thanks Steve Harvey for sharing his perspective about men with millions of women and praises him for igniting a meaningful dialog, he points out that Steve Harvey is a professional comedian not a licensed relationship expert and can only provide an opinion based on his experiences.
Many understand that the movie, Think Like a Man is probably intended to be a humorous parody to make light of an ongoing situation, however Dr. Buckingham expresses that he is deeply disturbed by the fact that Steve Harvey is instructing women to play games and to use bribery to get what they desire from men - especially since love and relationships are highly cherished in the Black community. "Relationships built on game playing cannot, and do not, work. Steve Harvey's advice to 'think like a man' is extremely irrational and flawed. An individual's behavior is not only influenced by thinking, but is determined by it. It is impossible to think one way and act another. Flawed and irrational thinking will not, and cannot, lead to healthy emotional expression or behavior," states Dr. Buckingham.
As a licensed and board certified psychotherapist with more than fourteen years of clinical and community outreach experience, Dr. Buckingham feels that his efforts to help Black women enter into and develop healthy relationships are being undermined by self-proclaimed relationship experts who are sabotaging and corrupting the mind-sets of women who desire to receive true love and commitment from men. He feels that self-proclaimed relationship experts give advice based on external behavior that is present to the eye, but often do not discuss the why behind behavior because they are not trained or truly qualified to do so.
Dr. Buckingham explains that in some cases it is okay to start at a person's present situation and move forward, which is the basis of life coaching. However, in his professional experience with interacting with thousands of women and men in therapy, he explains that behind every behavior there is usually an underlying emotional or psychological issue that has not been addressed.
With so much attention being focused on Steve Harvey's movie and book, which many believe its concepts and have taken Steve Harvey's advice, Dr. Buckingham strongly advises that before taking advice from anybody the listener should research and check credentials of those who are providing blueprints based on their personal experiences. Dr. Buckingham explains that human behavior and development is much more complex than what is discussed on radio shows, blogs, and in barber and beauty shops.
From a professional assessment, Dr. Buckingham gives five reasons why women should not "Think Like a Man":
1. Women should not "Think Like A Man" because men often think that minimizing and repressing emotions is acceptable. While both women and men experience emotional distress, men's coping styles are usually very passive in nature when it comes to dealing with emotions. Men are repeatedly instructed to deny or minimize emotions; therefore men often ignore and avoid dealing with them until they become unbearable.
2. Women should not "Think Like A Man" because men think that expression of emotions is a sign of weakness. Expressing sensitive or nurturing emotions, or giving freely, is not praised or encouraged among men. The pressure to maintain masculinity and to remain strong often creates emotional roadblocks for men. As a result, feelings of remorse, forgiveness, sadness, and empathy are overshadowed by feelings of self-pity, anger, embarrassment, pride, and loss.
3. Women should not "Think Like A Man" because some men think that it is okay to make decisions with their "little heads" instead of their big heads. "Get all the sex, you can get" mindset appears to be the driving force that dictate most men's behavior. Sexual dominance is often praised and encouraged among men and is used to demonstrate power and control. This mindset is the root cause of adulterous behavior among some men and is significantly contributing to the decline of the institution of marriage.
4. Women should not "Think Like A Man" because men think that it is acceptable to think then act. This is unhealthy and flawed thinking because the most important aspect of human bonding and understanding is centered on emotional intimacy, not intellectual or behavioral. A man or woman who operates without processing from the heart will often fail at developing meaningful relationships. Decisions to act should not occur without processing thoughts, feelings and behaviors (Think-Feel-Do).
5. Women should not "Think Like A Man" because some men think that they can play games and get positive results in their relationships. How defective is this thinking? Even the bible says, "You Reap What You So" (Galatians 6:7). If a relationship is started by playing games, those in the relationship will become a game. If a relationship is entered based on deception, the relationship will be maintained based on deception.
Well it's about time for the men to speak! The trailer for this film will get the attention of many Black women I am sure.
“Qualified, yet Single” is a straightforward and informative film that highlights the personal, interpersonal and psychological issues that influence why good men remain single. This film encourages single men to think about their lifestyles and motivates single women to look beyond a man’s surface and to realize that qualifications do not mean qualified.
So what's up ladies? Are you ready to listen?