January 5, 2005

KENTUCKY—KFC executives eased fears yesterday as it announced the impossibility of consumers getting bird flu from eating their chickens.

“Bird flu is an infection caused by viruses that occur naturally among birds,” said KFC executive Thomas Dehoit from the steps of KFC’s white columned mansion headquarters in Louisville.

“There is no need to fear KFC because our chickens are fake, thus it’s impossible for them to become infected. Something unnatural, such as a fake chicken, can’t get a virus that only occurs naturally. That’s why we changed the name Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC. We wanted to remove any references to chicken.”

KFC assured consumers that they can still enjoy the same great taste of Original Recipe® chicken with its unique, mouth-watering, still-secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, as well as Extra Crispy™ chicken.

KFC consumer nationwide let out a sigh of relief. Despite consumer fears, Sandra has never been the least bit concerned. “I’m so happy to learn that it’s not real chicken because I eat enough fried chicken to have my own million chicken march,” said Sandra Williamson. “I thank God every day for Col. Harland Sanders, the man who perfected that finger licking good recipe,”

There are nearly 13,300 KFC restaurants worldwide and Sandra has been to more than half of them. “I trust the colonel with my life,” she added. “But I do wonder, just out of curiosity, what type of substance is that fake chicken?”

The public may never know because that secret is as widely guarded as the original hand-written recipe developed by the colonel more than 50 years ago. “I can’t reveal it, but let’s just say that gibbon monkeys don’t get bird flu,” said Dehoit.

But Dehoit became noticeably nervous when asked by this star reporter from Bean Soup Times, about the possibility of a fake bird flu virus infecting their fake chickens. “We’ve never considered a fake virus,” said Dehoit. “That would be a disaster.”

• 1 chicken egg
• 1 Pot
• 2 cups of water
• Heating Apparatus of Choice
• Salt
• Pepper

Some kind of way you got to find a chicken egg. Make sure its been refrigerated, if it hasn't I'm sure the smell will alert you. Take a clean pot and pour two cups of water in it. Gently place the egg in the pot of water as though it were a hand grenade.

Place on the heating apparatus of your choice (we prefer a stove). Bring water and egg to a boil and wait around for eight minutes. When the egg shell starts to puff and break you know its done.

Remove from the pot, rinse with cold water and peel. Throw the shells away and then sprinkle your egg with some salt or pepper. Eat for two minutes.