Archives 2002

First, I want to thank the editor of this very honest newspaper for giving me an opportunity to share some words with its readers. I wanted to write about the recent controversy raging in New York over the statue rendition of the three Caucasian fire fighters hoisting the American flag at the site of the World Trade Center. 

Apparently, an artist is making a sculpture to serve as a memorial on that tragic site, but in his sculpture, he changed the image making one Black and one Latino. White firemen are upset at the change, which misidentifies the true history of the event. I emphatically agree with the firemen and urge the artist to hold true TO history if he is going to use an image FROM history. 

The problem once created can take hundreds of years to correct. I know from experience. That is what that nut, Michelangelo did to me several hundred years ago. Decent artists, but when he drew me, he took all the melanin out of my likeness! Anyone who sees me knows that my feet look as if they were burned in an oven and my hair is like lamb’s wool. My hair is that nappy stuff Ludacris or even like some of the good people over in Cabrini Green I met the other day. Good people. Didn’t have much to eat, but they shared with me, a stranger just the same. Reminds me of some of my family in Nazareth.

Anyway, there isn’t just one fake rendition of me floating around. It’s so confusing, sometimes I have to look in the mirror to remind my own self what color I am. Sometimes, I see a photo of me with blond hair and blue eyes, sometimes brown hair and hazel eyes, and sometimes my hair is as red as the rapper Eve’s hair is on occasion. With a haircut they look just like the precinct captain who arrested me the very first day I returned to earth. It makes me want to call my own name in vain.

It’s painful and that’s why I stand with the firemen. Don’t change the color of history! Keep the three firemen White and keep me as Black as Bill Dukes in Menace II Society, when he said, “You know you done #@!%%$ up, right?”

Jesus of Nazareth

Archives: August 2001

Upon returning, the Prince of Peace granted Bean Soup Times an exclusive interview. Here it is with no hype, just straight Black Jesus.

Did you watch The Passion yet?
No. Been there done that.

You are obviously a black man., but since your teaching transcends race and gender, does it matter what color or gender you are?
My teaching does transcend race and gender, but if it didn’t matter what color I was, then why does Michael Jackson get ridiculed so much? He’s just trying to be like me, but he thinks I’m white. He looks just like a European version of me. You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you love blacks. And if it doesn’t matter what color I am then it shouldn’t matter that Jackie Robinson and Halle Berry are black and that Clarence Thomas is made out of chocolate.

Ah, so you and your Father do watch professional sports?
No. But God was there when Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s home run record. 

Where you there too?
I intended on coming, but I had a hard time catching a cab.

Do you eat pork?
I used to, until I cast them seven devils into swine. Soon after I turned some water into wine and I couldn’t remember which ones had the devil in them so I just stayed away from them all.

What do you think about Bush’s public affirmation of his faith in you?
Who? 
George W. Bush, the president of the United States. 
I’m don’t know him. But on another note, my mother always taught me to stay out the bushes. ‘Stay away from the thorns Jesus,’ she’s say.
Speaking of thorns, what were you thinking when you were nailed to the cross?
I thought to myself, why don’t my disciples get me down. They were just sitting around crying. Get a ladder or something.

Who’s your favorite actor?
Morgan Freeman. He played My Father pretty well in Bruce Almighty.

Have you had any other strange experiences since your return?
Yes, each time I go to the shopping mall, security guards follow me. They must know who I am and want to keep me safe. 

How have people reacted to you?
Well, I knocked on one lady’s door on the north side and told her I was the Prince of Peace coming to offer her everlasting life. She called the popo and I spent two days in jail.

You used the term popo, meaning police?
Yes, I learned that term hanging out with sinners on the south side. Those people are really marvelous. Some of them will be my best followers one day. 

It’s been a long time, but do you think black people deserve reparations?
Yes, they deserve reparations, but even more importantly, they need Jesus, Black Jesus that is. (smiles)