Archives 2001

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Tired of the constant tornadoes, hurricanes, floods and other forces of nature that have wrecked havoc throughout the United States, President George Bush declared war on God and His angels for what he dubbed a "ferocious and blatant attack on the American people."

Pres. Bush canceled his planned trip to heaven and cautioned all Americans to avoid travel to the land of "peace and serenity" until the "Operation Zion" crisis is over. He urged Americans currently in heaven to return immediately before U.S. air troops attacked.

"God may have control over the forces of nature, but when we put these bombs on Him, He'll be sorry he ever messed with Texas and America," said Pres. Bush during a press conference held on a boat floating down the Mississippi River. "My faith was the size of a mustard seed has been replaced with the mustard gas we plan to spray heaven with."

U.S. historians believe Pres. Bush has a chance of winning the battle if he can launch a successful attack on the food supply in heaven. "Heaven is known for having huge vats of milk and honey. If Bush can drop some chemicals in the tanks, then he has a chance," said Bart Kevins, a history professor at Yale University. "It will be interesting to see exactly how God will respond."

Congress called an emergency meeting, while all units of the armed forces mobilized with a religious fervor. "We are pleased to go to battle for America against all enemies foreign and domestic," said General Nathan T. Everest. "We will go to heaven. We won't ask why. We only know that our country called and we were proud."

Pres. Bush admits the battle will be difficult, since God's location is unclear. "We strongly believe that He is somewhere between Mars and Pluto," said Pres. Bush. "Our intelligence sources claim to have seen Him near Mars last year."