Hoping to avoid the imminent danger of being infected by the swine influenza, millions of people flock to Islam like Lil Wayne flocks to cough syrup. Newcomers to Islam believe that by accepting Islam and swearing off pork, they will be able to avoid attracting the deadly, man-made virus.

To avoid confusion, makers of the flu have decided to start calling the flu H1N1 while the Center for Disease Control continues to take aggressive action to respond to an expanding outbreak.

The CDC stresses that swine flu is not caused by handling or eating pork, however, it does contribute to high blood pressure, arthritis, heart problems, clogged arteries, trichinosis, diabetes, tapeworm, and disobedience of the Old Testament.

Many Christians, not comfortable with following the children of Ishmael, decided to reread the book of Leviticus (11:7,8) and simply stop eating pork too.

In a related story, pork industry leaders are sad, very sad.