Ghettoscopes: Horoscopes that keep it real
Wednesday, January 1, 2003 at 6:56AMARIES
Never eat a chicken that has six wings on its back.
TAURUS
This is not going to be a good month. Before it’s over, you’ll be approached bya man with a curl looking for some spaghetti and an elderly woman offering you some left over pot liqueur.
GEMINI
Your sign is twins for good reason. You call yourself saved, sanctified, and delivered, but keep up ALL the negative gossip at work, home and church.
CANCER
You’ve shown ironic character development. Usually you wear your feelings on your sleeve, but you’ve ignored all teasing about your finger wave for the past 10 years.
LEO
You have lots of pride, but don’t forget that the streets are watching. You say you’re a gangster, but you never shot nothing.
VIRGO
You’ll get a call from Trent Lott this month. He’ll apologize to your personally for his racist remarks. And then Lavar Burton will get another role Black folks can be proud of again.
LIBRA
OK, let’s come straight. No doubt the bald look is in, but it just doesn’t work on you, nor your girlfriend. Let it grow, let it grow.
SCORPIO
Don’t be ashamed you secretly like Snoop’s chalice. Rich ancient people of color including Egyptians and Mayans drank out of elaborate cups too. And they wasn’t ghetto.
SAGITTARIUS
Trust your friend’s advice. You’re not that cute, so try improving your personality.
CAPRICORN
You’ll be extremely pleased that in remembrance of Dr. King’s birthday, you restrain from hitting your drug using brother in the mouth when he asks for $20.
AQUARIUS
Your past relationship will seem like a cool breeze after you hook up with the guy looking like a cross between Flukie Stokes and Jimmy Walker.
PISCES
If you meet an old friend who smells like the monkeys from the Wiz, you better run away as fast as you can. Those are the monkeys that scared the black off of Michael Jackson.
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